| Celebrating…Mensches??
Rev.
Mary
Armstrong-Smith,
Children's Minister
Dr. Haim
Ginott (1922-1973), a respected psychologist, believed that the goal
of raising a child should be to help the child become a mensch
(Yiddish for a “decent human being”). He had been a teacher in Israel
before coming to the United States. His views on education were
considered shocking by some in his day:
"I am a
survivor of a concentration camp. My eyes saw what no man should
witness: Gas chambers built by learned engineers, children poisoned
by educated physicians, infants killed by trained nurses. Women and
babies shot and buried by high school and college graduates. So, I
am suspicious of education. My request is: Help your students become
human. Your efforts should never produce learned monsters, skilled
psychopaths, educated Eichmans. Reading, writing, and arithmetic are
important only if they serve to make our children more humane."
Dr. Ginott
wrote numerous books for parents and teachers. His concepts of
relating to children are based not on authority and control, but
rooted in compassion. He often said, "Treat children as though they
are already the people they are capable of becoming."
His
bestselling book Between Parent and Child was originally
published in the mid 1960s. The examples given in the original
edition, while useful, are out of date. But the principles are as
powerful as when he wrote them. Dr. Ginott’s widow updated this book
and it was republished in 2003.
One of my
favorite books is How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So
Kids Will Talk. The authors, Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, were
part of a parent group run by Dr. Ginott. Their book is a retelling of
the principles they learned from him and how to apply those principles
now.
I am not a
parent. In my professional life as a youth agency administrator, I was
called upon to train youth workers to communicate effectively with our
young charges. How to Talk… became our textbook, our way of making
sense of difficult situations. We became better adults, and we saw
young people become mensches.
I am
convinced that these communication techniques, while not specifically
spiritual, are rooted in the same principles we abide by in The Church
Within. If we believe that all people are indeed holy, it behooves us
to “treat children as though they are already the people they are
capable of becoming.” It obligates us to teach them their own
holiness, but to not stop there. We need to teach them to honor other
people as well. And that may mean saying things like:
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“I hear how much you want to talk to your
friend right now. Now is the time to listen to the story. The time
for talking will come later when we work on our craft project.”
(Instead of: “SHUT UP!!!”)
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“Running is for outside. Walking is for
inside.” (Instead of: “QUIT RUNNING!!”)
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“It disturbs the people in the worship room
when people in Children’s Church shout.” (Instead of: “BE
QUIET!!!!” As a kid I always thought it was funny when an adult
got loud in telling us to not be loud. I still do, even
when I do it.)
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“Ah, you are upset because someone else is
using the black crayon. You wish you had that crayon right now.”
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This last
one is especially hard for me. I want to add to it. I want to add
conclusions and morals: “But you can’t have it because she had it
first, so you’ll have to wait. It’s important to share.” Sometimes I
even want to give advice of the most annoyingly micromanaging variety:
“Why don’t you color in the green until she’s done with the black
crayon? Or why don’t you look for another crayon? Or why not use
brown?”
That
completely misses the point. The child’s need is not so much for the
black crayon. The child’s need is for an adult to acknowledge his
desire for the crayon. Often, once the desire is acknowledged, the
child will figure out a way to solve the problem. Copies of
some of Dr. Ginott’s books and some books by Faber & Mazlish are
available for TCW members who wish to borrow them. Please see me if
you are interested.
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